Ramona Puck

I myself am AFFLICTED. SEEKER - (unsuccsessfully struggling to find some cure or small grain of information outside of me, some general insight, advice or specialists knowledge) KNOW-IT-ALL - (since I didn't trust anyone, I was sure that “I” could only help myself. I tried unsuccessfully throughout my life, to discipline myself, have better mastery over and control of myself ) DESPERATE - ( I became more and more tense due to the repeated unsuccessful self help attempts. My body was now in constant pain, unable to move and leaving me bedridden for short periods of time. My environment and the people around me were at my mercy because of my practice of excessive control being the way that I learned to treat myself) INJURED - (born unwanted, unloved, ignored and rejected as a child by my parents and Siblings as well as severely mistreated and abused in childhood) CHILD OF DIVORCE - (grew up in a parental home until I was 10 years old where constant fighting, shouting and arguments between parents and other family members was the norm) FOSTER FAMILIES & GROUP HOMES - (at 11 years of age guarded by defensiveness and defiance my only “survival tools” I was no longer manageable and thus constantly moved from one place to another) HOMELESS - (at the age of 15 I became pregnant and decided to keep the child. My mother offered to support me with my child allowing me to live with her. Then suddenly one day after 6 months of living there I came home from school and found my suitcase outside the door. I was forced to leave without my child. For the next 3 years I was homeless finding shelter here and there) ADDICT - (predisposed to addictive substances since my childhood whether smoking since age 8 or "recreational" drugs for a few years after I turned 16, then the bulimia that accompanies me continuously since 1998 and helps me regulate my unconquerable internal pressure, and emotional turmoil) THIEF - (I started stealing food and cigarettes because I didn't have enough money for my needs until I got married) ABORTED - (I had decided against another pregnancy) DIVORCED - (I ended my first marriage after 2 years) BAD MOTHER - (when I turned 19 was able to have my firstborn child live with me. Soon after I married I gave birth to a son in 2002 and in 2003 after our divorce my daughter was born. I was unable to support my family emotionally during that time. Everyone and everything had to work the same way I did and I feared emotional connection. Such thing was incomprehensible to me, foreign, therefore useless, expandable and thus was ignored and/or punished by me in relationship with my family) HOPELESS - (because I didn't find a solution and wasn't saved by God through my faith a deep hopelessness arose within me) DEPRESSED - (looking back, I've slipped further and further into it since I was 30. It started with the fact that I just wanted to sleep… ) UNBELIEVER - (nothing and no one could help me based on my experiences. I couldn't believe that it was meant for me to be released from my own prison). PERFECTIONIST - (no matter how hard I tried it was never enough to bring about necessary changes that lead to a carefree, interpersonal and fulfilling everyday life). SUICIDAL - (I just wanted to die at the end of my 30s until 2023). CONTROLLER - (to survive and based on my experiences, I had a great need for safety and control with everything and everyone) FEARFUL - (deep inside of me I was overtaken by insurmountable fear of everything and everyone) GUILTY - (I caused suffering. How could I forgive myself for that? I should have known better. Should have acted differently. Should have made better decisions etc. It is my fault that... ) Why do I share all this here with you? It is important to me, although unusual, to share these facts so that you understand that there might be nothing you're alone with. I can empathize and will be able to share ideas or make suggestions as I speak from my personal experience. Nobody can erase the past with all its experiences. That is a fact for me. But we can track down the causes, take a look, allow and integrate the pain, learn how to deal with it consciously, so that we want to become more involved in our every day life feeling safer, more relaxed, and joyful. Everyone has their own path, but it can be walked together if you begin by taking one step after another.